Chronicles of a Gentleman: Self-Esteem Issues

This past Monday, July 14, I was reading a fashion blog concerning issues on being judgmental and making blind assumptions about people that we don't know.  The entry was very moving and caused me to recall the days of grade school.  I've always been very private about these issues, but as a 23-year old black male, I believe it is time to speak up on my personal journey in hopes that it appeals to someone else that may have found themselves in those same oxfords, or loafers, haha.

As you may or may not know, I struggled a great deal with having low self-esteem growing up and even now as young adult which has caused me to miss a lot of great opportunities in my life.  I'm trying to recall what may have been the root of those issues.  Ah! I remember now, I was in fourth grade riding the school bus and having other peers taunt me and yell out horrible words because apparently my parent's way of raising me as gentleman was not up to par for other peers my age.  As a nine year old, coming home and crying because you didn't want to go to school was not my idea of a fun childhood.  I certainly remember being called ugly, being bullied and always last to be chosen for any recess sporting activity because of never being athletic.  I recall in middle school, seventh grade to be exact, walking to the high school to catch the bus home when one of the seniors yelled out some of the nastiest slurs one could ever imagine.  Those words cut me deeper than the sharpest knife.  The group of guys just laughed and laughed as they murdered me with their cruel insults.  I walked and tried to ignore them as they yelled out "sissy" or "faggot" or "dicksucker."  None of the above described me.  I was just an ordinary boy looking to fit in, or looking for some direction in life.  Ever since that day, I limited my interactions with people.  I had a set of friends, however I found it hard to hang around guys without feeling that they would turn on me, or make jokes about me behind my back.  I certainly remember trying to "buy" friends.  I desperately wanted someone to like me, or be in my corner to the point that sometimes I would spend lunch money on people just to say I have a friend, when really all I had were leeches.  

Through out middle school and high school, I found it very hard to pass a mirror without thinking poorly of myself.  I was over weight, wore big ugly glasses, had a gap in my tooth, and a huge scar on my neck from surgery in sixth grade.  Having these issues also caused me to look in other directions for validation, and to be accepted by people no matter how dire the consequences would be.  It wasn't until maybe my sophomore year of high school that I found a few true friends that were loyal and faithful in every way.  However that still did not erase the fact of the incident that took place in the seventh grade.  I found it nerve racking to go in barbershops, or locker rooms in fear that I would be taunted again by guys that knew absolutely nothing about me, but made generalizations off of what they saw.  Sure I didn't sag my pants, or play sports, and yes, maybe I did spend most of my youth in church causing me to miss out on a few teenage activities, maybe my dad chose to teach me the values of putting Christ first, working hard, and being a gentleman, instead of teaching me to chase skirts, and be disrespectful. No my parents never let me go everywhere because they were wise enough to know that trouble lied ahead.  I'm thankful for that.  

A lot of people now perceive me as arrogant, rude, and mean.  I'm none of that.  Part of the reason I may not speak to you is because I am afraid of being rejected or shun, so I choose to maybe nod and keep it moving.  I choose to be alone at times because crowds scare me, I still imagine a big group of people pointing and laughing at me and calling me names.  I'm not being stuck up or snooty, I've built a wall to protect myself from hurt.  Is this the right thing to do? No, however I am currently working on becoming a better man with the help of Christ, family and a few great friends.  

I'm learning to love myself, especially before I can love anyone else.  I am also learning to be happy with the person I was created to be.  Be happy with those flaws in my skin, or embrace my weight, and not be intimidated by those that are perceived as sample size.  I'm still learning when to open up to people and when to be cautious of those that mean me harm.  I'm still getting to know myself even at 23.  I take myself out on long rides and dates just to get to know me better.  I've found what makes me happy, and that's style and music.  That's all I need.  

So if you are struggling with low self-esteem, I challenge you to get up and find what makes you happy, and give yourself a timeline to becoming a better person.  Do some math, subtract the negativity and negative factors from your life, and add in those positive vibes that puts a smile on your face.  Look in the mirror and say that I will be great! I promise everything will be just fine.